Drunk Reviews in Outline Form: L.A. Confidential

by kto

  1. I think I have this movie on my hard drive because my dad really likes it.
    1. Some other things my dad really likes:
      1. The Big Bang Theory
      2. The Bodeans
      3. Keynsian economics
      4. Meg Ryan (until she started fucking Russell Crowe and became a slut)
      5. Eating cereal with whole milk
      6. Using saws of all varieties
  2. Narration
    1. Is often stupid
    2. Is especially stupid when you cast Danny “Hot Leather Couch” DeVito for it
    3. Seriously who thought this was a good idea everything sounds like a fake commercial for like a hospital furniture outlet in Camden
  3. Cheekbones
    1. More like cheekboners amirite ladies
    2. Guy Pearce
      1. Looks like HE was “cut to look like a movie star”
        1. BY THE CHISEL OF JESUS
  4. I dunno I have to put the cut (not of the star-making variety) here I guess
  5. The Basinger
    1. Is perfect-looking
    2. Was 44 when cast for this movie
      1. She probably fucked Curtis Hanson?
        1. Yeah.
          1. It seems like she probably fucked Curtis Hanson.
    3. Is straight-up unwatchable for me despite §5(1)
      1. I think she thinks acting is just opening your mouth different amounts.
    4. Won an Academy Award for this business
      1. Also that year she tied with the old lady from Titanic for a SAG award
        1. WTF 1997
  6. This dialogue is:
    1. 30% possible taglines
    2. 45% people explaining their plans to other people in painstaking detail
    3. 20% Russell Crowe beating people up
    4. 5% racial slurs
      1. Sometimes I think directors feel that since they’re making a period movie it’s okay to be racist?
        1. They are incorrect
        2. I keep feeling like the actors are breaking the third wall to go, “Man, we all do hate Mexicans, don’t we?”
  7. Things I would enjoy seeing Kevin Spacey say dryly in real life
    1. “I have throat cancer.”
    2. “I have ball cancer.”
    3. “We all have cancer.”
    4.  “Good evening, Your Holiness.”
    5. “One onion bagel, please.”
      1. “Wait a minute. Make it three.”
        1. “Gimme a break, I have tit cancer.”
  8. Veronica Lake
    1. Look, I knew Veronica Lake, Veronica Lake was a friend of mine, and honey, you’re no Veronica Lake.
    2. That said:
      1. “You’re the first man in five years that hasn’t told me I look like Veronica Lake inside of a minute.”
      2. “You look better than Veronica Lake.”
        1. SWOON CITY SWOON CENTRAL SWOON VARSITY DIVISION
  9. Russell Crowe
    1. Is, if nothing else
      1. (and pretty frequently nothing else)
    2. MAGNETIC AS ALL GETOUT
      1. Like an actual magnet. For eyyyyyyyyyyyyes.
    3. I would watch him:
      1. in any movie
        1. including the boat one with the regrettable ponytail
          1. is there gay stuff in that?
            1. asking for a friend
        2. eat oatmeal in BVDs
        3. eat a McRib under any circumstances
        4. play in a Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts show
          1. really that is really the name of his band
        5. take an explosive shit (see §9(3(3)))
        6. stew in a kiddie pool with a sixer and daddish Hawaiian-print trunks
        7. chew on a pen and get ink in his beard
          1. I’m seeming A LOT like a horny gay dude in this list
            1. (shrug)
            2. On that note I should just add that “Fucking me and fucking Bud aren’t the same thing”
        8. decompose and turn into a spooky-ass skeleton
          1. WITH RATS FOR A FACE
          2. LIKE THE ONE HE JUST FOUND UNDER THAT LADY’S HOUSE
          3. boy this film really took a turn
  10. Eyerolls
    1. People having epiphanies into mirrors
    2. Newspaper shots to advance the plot
    3. Slow sax in the love scenes
    4. This bananas:
      1. “All I ever wanted was to measure up to my father.”
      2. “Now’s your chance.”
      3. [quizzical look]
      4. “He died in the line of duty, didn’t he?”
        1. GROAN
        2. GROAN
        3. GROAN
    5. The part at the end where they clutch hands and stare deeply into each other’s eyes and Guy Pearce goes, “Yeah.”
      1. How does that song go?
        1. You say it bestttttttttttt / when you say, “Yeah” like a fucking moron
    6. James Cromwell getting steeply more Irish as the movie goes on
      1. Like, we started with a little lilt and a penchant for violence
      2. Now we’re at five “boyo”s in six minutes? WHAT is happening
      3. Okay he literally just said, “I wouldn’t trade places with him for all the whiskey in Ireland”
        1. ?!?!
        2. !!!!
        3. ???
      4. YR NAME IS FUCKING CROMWELL YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK LIKE A LEPRECHAUN
  11. Ways to carry a Colt Detective Special
    1. Like a slightly soiled hanky (Costner)
    2. Like your ten-year-old dick as you pee your name into a snowbank (Crowe)
    3. Like your adult dick as you jack off with a belt around your neck, staring deeply into your own eyes while you have an epiphany (Pearce) (see §10(1))
    4. Like your dick (men, generally)
  12. Ways to end this outline
    1. “Oh shit dudes a lion just came in herrrrrrrrrraaaaaughhhhhhhhh”
      1. I may be the only person alive who still thinks the whole writing-while-being-eaten-by-a-lion bit is funny
        1. I am correct
    2. “In conclusion and in summary it seems like I might want to fuck Russell Crowe but only if I get to be a dude during it”
    3. By clasping your hand, staring deeply into your eyes, and saying “Yeah.”
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